Is it worth it?

I read a blog post today that made me stop and think. There is a man who is giving away $10 everyday to a random person and blogging about it. I've been reading his blog for a while now. This particular post is about how much you are willing to sacrifice for a total stranger. It asks if you are willing to sacrifice your body for them.

It made me think about surrogacy. Surrogates sacrifice their bodies for a year (longer in some cases) and in most cases it's for a stranger they only met within the year. Surrogates give themselves shots daily in the beginning, and end the journey with labor and birth. Most births aren't horrible, but you still end with pain that you will have for at least a week or two afterward.

"But most surrogates are compensated, so that makes it worth it right?"

I ask you this. Have you ever met someone and decided to help them achieve their dream? In the attempt to achieve that dream, have you sacrificed a part of yourself and done so with very little expected in return? Sure, most of get compensated...that doesn't mean it's easy. We'd make more money working part time at McDonald's...and it would be less sacrifice.

This journey has been full of sacrifices for me. I have spent most days sick beyond belief. I vomit several times a day. I spend more time in the bathroom then I do anywhere else in my house. I try to hide how sick I really am. I still go to school and keep my grades up. I still take care of the kids. I smile and act like everything is great.

It isn't.

My body started aching several weeks ago. I figure that's because of lack of sleep. (I used to sleep on the floor in the bathroom.) I get lightheaded and dizzy on occasion. I carry water with me everywhere I go in an attempt to stay hydrated. My throat hurts. Those are just the physical symptoms.

I've been exhausted for weeks. I'm dealing with depression. (Although not all the time, because I still try to remain positive, but come on, when you spend at least 2 hours out of 15 waking hours in the bathroom...and occasionally sleep in there...you get the point where you just can't keep smiling.) I've gotten to the point where when I get sick, even just dry heaving, I cry...and then when the hysterical crying is done, I get sick again and kind of zone out because I just can't cry anymore. There are days when I swear this child hates me. I know he doesn't, because he's a precious innocent child incapable of hate...but I wonder sometimes.

Hubby was teasing me tonight. He asked if I came to a truce with the little bean. I was eating Taco Bell with fire sauce. He wondered if I had told him that if he didn't stop making me sick this morning that I was going to eat something really spicy. I told him yes...and the little guy broke his end of the bargain, so I was going to enjoy every bite of that burrito and taco supreme. The little guy got his revenge though...I got rid of most of the dinner within an hour. *shrugs* There is always tomorrow.

But it brings me to my point. Is all of this vomiting and exhaustion and stress on my body worth it? I've thought about it a lot over the past few weeks and I've come to this conclusion: HELL YES IT IS.

I know that within a few months, T and M will hold this little guy (probably while I'm still high on the endorphins!) and I'll get to see that amazing, unconditional joy and love that can only come from a parent the first time they hold their beautiful innocent little one. In those moments, all of this will fade away and it will be worth it.

So tonight, when I'm laying in bed, hoping I don't have to get up again to puke, I'll remember that one moment that I will get to experience and remind myself that it is so worth it.

Hold out hope!

Well, we had an ultrasound this week. Finally laying eyes on the little guy made everyone happy. He's growing wonderfully! He was about 15ozs. and everything looked perfect. The lady said I was measuring a little small but that was probably because I've been so sick.

Speaking of being sick...I finally pushed the nausea aside last night and fell asleep around 1am...only to be woke up at 230am feeling so far beyond sick there was no hope of coming back. It was about 645am when the combination of constant vomiting (and then when nothing was left dry heaving) and just over an hour of sleep finally caused me to pass out.

I had gained a little bit of weight. I was up to 167.5 the end of last week!! But now I'm back down to 166.5. :( I just keep reminding myself that he's growing right as he's supposed to and if I can feel him moving regularly then he's keeping what he needs from me.

Sadly, it gets to the point when you spend so much time in the bathroom bent over a toilet that you can't stand it any longer. The constant sickness slowly starts to erode your soul and no matter how hard you try to keep a positive outlook you're going to have moments when all you can do is cry. I apologize to all who read my pity party. That was one of those moments when I just didn't think I could take it any longer. I wanted to scream, or cry...in reality I did both. I've been very guarded about what exercises I do cause I don't want to lose weight, but I made an exception last week. I did kickboxing. I screamed and I cried and I beat the crap out of my heavy bag. It helped some. Last night made me want to cry again...but I'm holding onto the hope that someday soon I'll stop getting sick and be able to enjoy the pregnancy.

Till then...I guess I'll just keep writing my feelings out here so I don't lose all of me in the swirling vortex that is the toilet.

So much for sleeping...

I haven't slept well in over a week. Welcome to pregnancy right? This little guy has put himself (and me) on a schedule. He's up and moving at 1030pm, 1230am, 330am, and then again at 530am. This usually forces me awake to use the bathroom and occasionally to eat. Sadly, even though I eat in the middle of the night, I'm not putting on much weight.

I have an ultrasound on Tuesday. We'll find out how this little guy is growing and make sure he's doing ok. I'm sure his parents will be happy to finally lay eyes on him.

That's about it for now. I'm still feeling frustrated and a bit down, but I'm sure once I get some uninterrupted sleep I'll be fine...so around September, lol!

Pity Party

I apologize now for the pity party post...I'm feeling a bit frustrated and I need to let it out.

Ok, so you may or may not know that I'm a biker. I am now the proud owner of a 2008 Harley Nightster. I bought it about two weeks ago. I've never ridden it because...well, I'm pregnant and can't ride. I sold my old motorcycle about two years ago so I could get pregnant for G and K...and here I am still not able to ride cause I'm pregnant for T and M.

As if that weren't depressing enough I find out that my favorite artist is once again coming into town and I can't go see her. Why? Because I'm pregnant! To add insult to injury I found out I can get seats center stage, 29th row...but I can't go. A "friend" of mine (and I put that in quotes because we only seem to be friends when she wants something) got to go to the Country Music Awards because of an essay her daughter wrote about her. She got to go as a guest of Alan Jackson's. Well, as she was backstage, she met Reba, my favorite artist, and had her picture taken with her. Now whenever she talks to me she brags about she got to meet her and how wonderful she is...wow, thanks for adding insult injury.

I just feel like crying right now. I've done so much for other people and sometimes I wonder why I've given up some of my loves in life so that others can have what they want.

*sigh*

So I've been resting in bed for the past couple of days. I was sick Sunday night (will it ever end!?!?!) and then yesterday I was...intimate with my husband and my chest started hurting. Come to find out I may have pulled a muscle, or stretched the ligaments that attach the ribs to the sternum. And then there's the back pain. I've started wearing the pregnancy belt in order to pull some of the weight off my lower back. My hips are already widening. I've talked to friends who have had pregnancies really close to each other and they all said that things started happening sooner. Because of that, very few of my pants fit. It's frustrating!

To top it all off, I've been super cranky today. Hubby's been trying to cheer me up. I'm just getting irritated though. I've been so sick for so long that when I have days when I'm doing well I want to get things done. I called today to get the ultrasound set up to make sure this little guy is growing properly...and that was about all I could do. I sent some emails. I had hoped to get things for this summer scheduled, but I still don't have any information about the PBO. Last time we had to go to court and I expect that this time...so I can't plan a whole lot until I know what's going on there.

T and M decided to change baby boy's name. He's no longer Joseph Alexander. Who knows what his name will be. We'll find out soon enough.

I had figured I'd have a tape of this little guy's parents to play for him, but we don't have that yet. In the meantime I've been reading and talking to him. I decided today though that I can't do that anymore. I mean, I'm still going to talk to him, but that's it. I've found myself being even more protective of him then I was with Jason (my first surrobub) and I want to make sure that I'm not getting attached. I do, however, worry that he's not going to hear his mom's voice but once before he's born and that is going to cause him stress when he's born. (Meaning that suddenly not hearing my voice anymore and only hearing his parents' voices is going to cause undue stress on him.) I've been told though that infants are extremely adaptable and that he'll be fine. I hold on to that hope.

Well, hubby's heading off to school and I have to make dinner, otherwise this would be much longer! *hugs* Go M.A.D!

Halfway there!

I'm 20 weeks today! Woohoo! We're halfway there! I'm so excited that we've made it to this point. This is a huge milestone! T and M are thrilled I'm sure. I'm so glad I get to be a part of this. T and M went through so much to just get to a transfer...and now here we are this guy growing strong and healthy. I can't wait to see the look on T's face when she sees her son for the first time. Or the first time M gets to hold his son. It's going to be so awesome!

So I'm watching 20/20 and there is a story about a woman who gave birth and didn't even know she was pregnant. Not only did the poor woman not know she was pregnant, but her husband had a vasectomy and they thought they were covered. I assume that something happened and the vas defrens grew back together and that's how she got pregnant...but the poor family. I can't imagine suddenly giving birth and not having a single thing for the little one.

There was one comment that irked me. One of the paramedics said that when a woman gives birth at home the outcome is never good. I beg to differ. I hope he meant that when a woman gives birth at home unassisted, without a trained professional, that the outcome isn't good...because I'm planning a home birth and have the utmost confidence that everything will go smoothly and that both the baby and I will be fine. Then again, I have the best midwife in the world (ok, I'm a bit biased). Either way, I'm not worried at all about me or this little guy. I'm more worried about M passing out if he happens to walk in. (He's uber-squeamish. God love him.)

The half pound dilemma and other weighty issues

So I have a dilemma (if I weren't pregnant I would writing "God has blessed me with a miracle!"): I'm losing a half pound or so every day. I lost another half pound from yesterday to this morning. This morning, in an attempt to combat this issue, I went to Jamba Juice and got oatmeal with bananas and brown sugar. I also got the largest size of their Berry Protein Workout shake. It has whey (or soy) protein and then an added boost. I got my vitamins. I'm not sure how many calories I consumed this morning, but hopefully it'll be enough to maintain my weight. I'm not sure what I'm doing for lunch or dinner yet, but I'm hoping to keep the calorie count for the day around 2000. I've been eating around 1600 calories a day...apparently it's not enough.

I've made some major decisions in my life recently. It's amazing how you think you're on one course and suddenly something happens to change it all. Mine was a series of somethings. I decided to become a surro for so many reasons. Some I've mentioned here, some I haven't. My major thing is that I want to help people. That's part of the reason I wanted to become a lawyer. I figured I could do family law and help families through hard times, help with adoptions and even surrogacy. The more I've talked to my Criminal Justice professor (who went to law school) I don't think I'd be able to help the way I want to. There is one other thing I've been researching and looking into for over a year now...midwifery.

Ever since my last birth I knew this was one way I could truly help families, and specifically women. My husband and I talked about it and we've decided that we could do this. I'm so excited! The only real issue there was going to be was whether we wanted to cut back our lifestyle in order to deal with the cut in income. Once hubby ran the numbers we figured we would actually come out ahead because we won't have astronomical student loans to pay back. We've also talked about if I decide years down the road that I do want to go back and go to law school, I can.

So, I go get my CPR certifications renewed this month and then I'll submit my application for the midwifery program through the Association of Texas Midwives. The first class is in October. It's two days right here in San Antonio. I'm so excited!