Friday, April 30, 2010

Is it worth it?

I read a blog post today that made me stop and think. There is a man who is giving away $10 everyday to a random person and blogging about it. I've been reading his blog for a while now. This particular post is about how much you are willing to sacrifice for a total stranger. It asks if you are willing to sacrifice your body for them.

It made me think about surrogacy. Surrogates sacrifice their bodies for a year (longer in some cases) and in most cases it's for a stranger they only met within the year. Surrogates give themselves shots daily in the beginning, and end the journey with labor and birth. Most births aren't horrible, but you still end with pain that you will have for at least a week or two afterward.

"But most surrogates are compensated, so that makes it worth it right?"

I ask you this. Have you ever met someone and decided to help them achieve their dream? In the attempt to achieve that dream, have you sacrificed a part of yourself and done so with very little expected in return? Sure, most of get compensated...that doesn't mean it's easy. We'd make more money working part time at McDonald's...and it would be less sacrifice.

This journey has been full of sacrifices for me. I have spent most days sick beyond belief. I vomit several times a day. I spend more time in the bathroom then I do anywhere else in my house. I try to hide how sick I really am. I still go to school and keep my grades up. I still take care of the kids. I smile and act like everything is great.

It isn't.

My body started aching several weeks ago. I figure that's because of lack of sleep. (I used to sleep on the floor in the bathroom.) I get lightheaded and dizzy on occasion. I carry water with me everywhere I go in an attempt to stay hydrated. My throat hurts. Those are just the physical symptoms.

I've been exhausted for weeks. I'm dealing with depression. (Although not all the time, because I still try to remain positive, but come on, when you spend at least 2 hours out of 15 waking hours in the bathroom...and occasionally sleep in get the point where you just can't keep smiling.) I've gotten to the point where when I get sick, even just dry heaving, I cry...and then when the hysterical crying is done, I get sick again and kind of zone out because I just can't cry anymore. There are days when I swear this child hates me. I know he doesn't, because he's a precious innocent child incapable of hate...but I wonder sometimes.

Hubby was teasing me tonight. He asked if I came to a truce with the little bean. I was eating Taco Bell with fire sauce. He wondered if I had told him that if he didn't stop making me sick this morning that I was going to eat something really spicy. I told him yes...and the little guy broke his end of the bargain, so I was going to enjoy every bite of that burrito and taco supreme. The little guy got his revenge though...I got rid of most of the dinner within an hour. *shrugs* There is always tomorrow.

But it brings me to my point. Is all of this vomiting and exhaustion and stress on my body worth it? I've thought about it a lot over the past few weeks and I've come to this conclusion: HELL YES IT IS.

I know that within a few months, T and M will hold this little guy (probably while I'm still high on the endorphins!) and I'll get to see that amazing, unconditional joy and love that can only come from a parent the first time they hold their beautiful innocent little one. In those moments, all of this will fade away and it will be worth it.

So tonight, when I'm laying in bed, hoping I don't have to get up again to puke, I'll remember that one moment that I will get to experience and remind myself that it is so worth it.

No comments: