Bleeding and Bed Rest

It's been a crazy 24 hours.

Yesterday afternoon I went into the restroom and (sparing all the details) found out I was bleeding. After wiping 6 times, there was no more blood. I called my RE because I hadn't received any notification from them that I had been released from their care yet. The nurse coordinator (aka Tittie) told me that I was no longer under their care, that I had been released weeks ago and that I should have seen my OB already. I told her I hadn't received anything saying they had released me, and asked what I should do. She told me to call my OB and that she would call the Dr and ask why I hadn't been released yet. I called my midwife and left a message. Then I called T. Have I mentioned lately how much I adore T? Well, I do. She told me to relax and that everything was going to be fine. Here she was worrying about her child...and me. She was calmer than I was. (At least she sounded that way!) She, just as I was, took comfort in the fact that I wasn't in any pain.

In the meantime, I decided to rest in bed and just take it easy. I wasn't cramping or in any pain, so I figured it can't be that bad right. Another six or so hours later, when I went to the bathroom, there was a bit of normal discharge, but it was streaked with blood. I was nervous, but decided to lay down and sleep.

This morning I woke, and wasn't bleeding, so I went to breakfast with my family. We then took the kids bowling. I sat and watched them bowl. While there, I went to the bathroom and there was some blood. I told my husband that I wasn't going to wait any longer and I was going to the hospital. He did the same thing he did yesterday and held my hand and told me to relax. I was a wreck.

I got to the hospital and they took me back and got my vitals. They started an IV. The nurse told me that if I was having a miscarriage they would have to give me meds. I said ok. I tried really hard not to cry. The nurse wasn't even done and the doctor was already in asking questions. Within about 15 minutes the doctor came back in with a portable ultrasound machine. He put the gel on my stomach. (On a side note: that stuff is cold!!!) He put the probe on my stomach and began looking around. I couldn't read his face. I started to get nervous with his minor adjustments and not saying anything, so I closed my eyes. I realized I was crying. This is where my doctor freaked me out without meaning to. The doctor says "Ut Oh!" I opened my eyes and he looked at me. I said "What?!" I just knew that something was wrong. He tells me "Well, he was moving around so much and I finally got him to hold still and started timing his heartbeat...and you started crying and I lost him again."

I smiled at him. I knew at that point, that at least Jay was moving and he had a heartbeat. I could relax some after that! So the good news: Jay's heartbeat was 166. He looks great. The doctor says he's doing great. He then said the bleeding could be caused by any number of things. I just stopped the meds two days ago, so it's possible that my body is getting rid of some unneeded lining. It's also possible, because my cervix is slightly swollen that that is what is causing the bleeding.

The doctor sent me home and put my on bed rest for the next 24 hours. I'm also on pelvic rest for the next three weeks. (That means nothing is allowed in my vagina.) I'm supposed to do everything possible to reduce my stress. I was also told that if I start bleeding heavily, or cramping, or a myriad of other things that I'm to go back immediately. The doctor said that I'm doing well though and so long as I relax, I should be ok.

Kenny's been taking really good care of me. He's been helping me over the past couple of days with whatever I need. I've emailed my professors and asked for extensions, and some leeway on assignments. I'm hoping they'll be understanding.

Beyond that I'm doing ok. I have a migraine that just won't quit. I think it's because I've been clenching my jaw. So long as I stop that I'll be ok.

Happier Post

Today has been a pretty good day so far! And by good day I mean I kept breakfast and lunch down! I may even eat a snack soon. Imagine that, me eating a snack and not getting sick. It's a novel idea, I know.

Ok, enough with the sarcasm! I'm sorry I'm just excited that I'm not feeling too nauseous today. I'm even more excited that I haven't vomited. When you've felt as sick as I have for as long as I have it's the little victories that make a world of difference!

I think I told you that T, my IM, has decided that for every pound I gain during this pregnancy, she's going to lose a pound. Well, she said the holidays have been horrible to her and M, my IF. She was baking all holiday season and they put on a little weight. I wanted to tell her it was ok because I had lost weight, so maybe we balanced each other out, lol!

T is too precious though! I love the fact that she keeps me so informed of all the preparations she's made for the baby already. She bought a swing the other day. She said it was to get the dog used to the sound so he didn't bark at it, but I think it's so she has something to remind her that her little man will be here in just 30 short weeks. (Give or take...if I go overdue again!)

Which reminds me: We're exactly 10 weeks today! I officially stop all meds today! No more suppositories! I'm not quite as happy as when I stopped the shots (even though I was nervous) but I am very happy to be done with all meds. I need to call my midwife in the next week or so and get an appointment set up. The RE is going to release me from his care within the next couple of days so I want to get Sam ready to see me. She's been such a supporter of mine since I told her I was doing another surrogacy.

Bad Surrogacy Story Revisited

I made the mistake of watching the Dr. Phil show yesterday. I haven't watched Dr. Phil in years (literally), but I saw the advertisement for the story of Amy and Scott and their "surro" Lashell.

While I was impressed with Dr. Phil's stance (he seems to want Lashell to give the babies back) I was really irritated with both sides. They acted like children. Lashell constantly rolling her eyes, and then the double talk from her. "I kept the babies because Amy said she had a mental disorder." Then saying that she kept the babies because she was lied to. Then Amy and Scott making comments like whenever you're done ruining the children's lives we'll take them back and fix it...or the comment about people at Lashell's church hating her. Totally uncalled for.

First of all, from everything that was said, this wasn't a surrogacy. Surrogacies do not start off like this. They have contracts. There are very specific things that need to be done, and lawyers are involved!

The couple, Amy and Scott used donor eggs and donor sperm and paid for a third party to carry them. You would think that would be a surrogacy right? No! A gestational surrogate doesn't put their name on the birth certificate, ever, for any reason. Once you do that, you muddy things. You get a PBO...a pre-birth order. The problem is in Michigan, you can't because surrogacy is illegal. I'm not sure exactly how surrogates in Michigan do it, but I know of several successful Michigan surros. I will defer to them to explain how that works.

Amy had several independant people say she was perfectly fit to take care of the children. They had a home study done for the adoption and jumped through all the hoops to make this happen. I understand that Lashell had done two previous surrogacies for the same family and they went off without a hitch. I have a feeling though that this time, she may have gone through some PPD (postpartum depression) and she wanted a baby to hold. Especially a little boy, which her and her husband have always wanted, but never had on their own. So she decided because her name was still on the birth certificate that she could take them back and use Amy's previous mental issues as a reason.

Let me make it clear, that is just my opinion.

When you go into a surrogacy you have to have a certain mindset. These children aren't yours. they were never yours. You have no rights to them. I know my role in all of this. I'm simply a babysitter for my great friend, T. This is her baby. I'm simply watching over and taking care of him until he's born. Once he's born, I'll send him back home. Do I love the first little boy I gave birth to? Absolutely! But like an aunt loves her nephew. I'll spoil him when I see him and on birthdays and holidays...but beyond that I'm not worried about him. Same with this little guy. I'm amazed and fascinated by him. His growth, who he's going to be, and what he'll think of his cool older sister are all things I think about...but do I want to keep him? NO! I have already done my stint with dirty diapers and late night feedings. I'm so over that. Let his mom and dad deal with that! (Well, from what I've heard his dad has such a weak stomach he won't be able to change poopy diapers!)

Ok, I've said my piece about this particular cluster fuck of a wanna-be surrogacy. That is all the time I will dedicate to it.

Quick Update

It's been at least a week or more since I've posted so I thought I'd drop in and make a quick post. (Well as quick as this long winded Italian girl gets!)

The Zofran is...well, it helps. It's not getting rid of everything, but it gets rid of enough of the nausea and vomiting to keep me going...most of the time. I'm also taking the Unisom/B6. The combination of the two helps me get through my day. Today was especially bad though. I woke up sick and when I wake up sick, it doesn't usually go away. Today has been one of those days. I've vomited twice. Really though, that's not that bad.

I stepped on the scale, which I am starting to think is not a smart idea, and I've lost another 2 or 3 pounds. I've lost count at this point. I'm thinking some of my weight loss could be the fact that I'm off of most of the meds. I only have the suppositories left for another two days, then I stop those. Anyway, I'm thinking the reason I'm losing some weight is because of the meds. Last surrogacy, I wasn't sick enough to lose a lot of weight, so when I started losing the medication weight, I was gaining baby weight and it all balanced itself out. (Basically the scale didn't move in one direction or the other.)

This time though, I'm losing weight because of the hyperemesis issue and I'm losing because the medications are working themselves out of my system. So it's scary when I step on the scale and see it constantly going down.

I'll get through it though! I've been told it could last until 20 weeks, or it could end like normal morning sickness at around 13 weeks. We'll see!

Help is on the way!

Just a quick update:

The RE's office finally has decided to call in a prescription for Zofran! If they didn't help me by 5pm I was going to go to my Dr's emergency care clinic to get some relief.

By breakfast tomorrow I should be eating without any troubles!

Hyperemesis and other Weighty issues

Hyperemesis gravidarum means extreme vomiting in pregnancy. It's severe morning sickness essentially. Morning sickness to the point of losing weight, not being able to keep anything down...it's really bad. Well, I have it. I can't even keep water down. I've had morning sickness since two days after the transfer, but I was always able to keep liquids down and usually able to keep other foods that I craved down.

Wednesday that all changed. I was doing ok. I tried to eat several small meals/snacks through out the day. I had class and in this class the professor won't let anyone eat. So I missed my 1130am snack. Then I got to my next class, which starts at 1230pm. I need to snack as soon as I get in there...well I was already feeling nauseous. I tried to snack, but I ended up getting sick. I decided just to drink the water I had with me and hope that would be ok until the nausea passed. Class let out and I got to my car. I ran by McDonald's (it's about 230 by now) and grab a fish sandwhich and went to the kids school. I ate in the parking lot and then grabbed the oldest three from school. By the time I had gotten home I had vomitted twice already. (It was 3pm) I didn't keep anything else down that day...not even water.

...And it just got worse. On Thursday I didn't even want to try to eat, but I forced myself to...and it promptly came backup. I even tried drinking protein shakes/smoothies. Nope. It all ended in the same scenario...me bent over the toilet, getting rid of whatever I had in me. Thursday night, while laying in bed, if I tried to roll over, I got...well basically motion sickness.

My midwife told me to try one Unisom at night and 25mg-50mg of B6. Then in the morning half of a Unisom and the B6. In the same email though she told me to get a prescription for Zofran.

I've always had some morning sickness in my pregnancies, but this goes beyond morning sickness. I've actually lost weight!

Speaking of weight: I always gain weight because of the meds. I think just about every woman on these meds does. Well, I gained 15lbs from the begining of meds until a week and a half ago. I evened out and was doing well. (I hate to gain too much weight in the beginning of pregnancy.) Then the hyperemesis really took hold and I started losing weight. I lost 9 pounds, but in the past two days have gained 4 back. I think the majority of that weight was water weight.

Which brings me to my last point. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but T, my IM, has decided that for every pound I gain, she's going to lose one. So I've gained a total of 10lbs...that means that T needs to lose 10 to catch up! She's busy though, planning the baby's room and getting everything planned, so I can understand if she's not worried about weight loss! ;)

I'm so mad!

**Warning: This post contains strong language.**

Good Morning America is doing a story on a surrogacy gone wrong tomorrow. This story has been played out on some of the surrogacy boards and I'm sorry I'm just done with it!

Why is it that only the bad surrogacy stories are shown on the news?

Seriously?

There are literally thousands of good surrogacy stories but even when some of the good surrogates are put on the news they try to twist their words around to make them sound crazy. If a woman does more than one surrogacy the news tries to say that she's only doing it for the money, or that she has some sort of mental disorder. Are you fucking kidding me? Is there something mentally wrong with me because I decided that I wanted to help one more family? Am I money grubbing bitch because I ask for compensation for my pain and suffering?

Seriously?

I understand that negativity sells newspapers, and that more people will tune in if the story is sensationalized, but in this day and age, don't you think that people need the positive stories? Why don't we focus on the neighbor who saved the older gentleman from a burning house last night? (This actually happened last night in San Antonio...but it only got a blurb in the news.) Or how about the fact that when someone's house burnt down, the local school banded together and collected donations (both monetary and household goods) to help the family? (This happened to my neighbors several doors down...and it was my children's school that collected for them.)

Maybe I'm hormonal but it's about damn time that someone focuses on the positive of surrogacy. I do not want, and have never wanted, to keep the children I have carried. This little boy I carry now already has a mom and dad...why the hell does he need me? (Other than to carry him for the first 40 weeks of his existence.)

I've already posted to GMA's Facebook and said that I'm saddened by the fact that they never accentuate the positive. I'm half tempted to give them my blog address and tell them this is how a good (dare I say great?) surrogacy goes. Quit rewarding bad behavior and making a bad situation worse...start showing the good too.

A little scare...but all is well

Kenny and I went out to lunch on Friday, and I was cramping a little. Nothing too serious, but enough to make me wonder what was going on. I kept trying to tell myself it was gas...even though I didn't seem to have gas.

Partway through the meal, I got up and went to the restroom. When I wiped, there was a spot of blood on the paper. I nearly lost it. I wiped again, and nothing. I decided to call T anyway, and at least let her know and ask her to call the Dr's office since she seems to get results from them when all I get is...well, brushed aside. T said that she'd call immediately and then she'd call me back.

She called back a few moments later and said she talked to the nurse coordinator. The nurse coordinator told her that it was normal and just irritation from the suppository. I wasn't so sure, but I knew that if I lost this baby it would be the nurse coordinator's fault for pulling me off of all meds except for the suppository. I haven't had any spotting since, and I have noticed that when I put the suppository in, the applicator seems to have cut me a little. So that's more than likely what it is, but it doesn't make me any less nervous that little Joseph is really okay.

Beyond that, things are ok. The morning sickness comes and goes, but it seems to be getting less...or I'm just getting more accustomed to it. Either way, it's not as bothersome!

Holy....cow...

Yesterday I had my second ultrasound. Joseph is in there, all snuggly warm and his little heart is beating wonderfully! I got to see the little flutter and it was beautiful!

Now here's the shocking part. I didn't expect the RE to stop my shot, but I was hoping that he would at least reduce my meds so I wasn't still doing a full 2ml of progesterone. The nurse coordinator emailed me this morning though and says that I'm to stop the progesterone shots completely, and wean off of the steroid. I am to continue on the suppository until 10 weeks of pregnancy.

WHAT?!?! Are you kidding me? No more shots!? I'm just dumbfounded. I didn't think he would just stop them! I fully anticipated another 4-6 weeks on the shots!

Kenny started helping me work out the knots last night. I laid on my stomach for about an hour or so while he used this back massager to work them out. There are two little "heads" on the massager and they can heat up if you turn the heat on. He turned the heat on, and then rubbed my hip until the knots let loose. The right side has a couple of tiny knots left. (And by tiny I mean about the size of a marble.) The left side though...well, I still have a huge knot there. It's not quite as bad, but it's still pretty bad. It's about the size of a softball and then the second one is a little bigger than a golf ball. It's ok though, I'll survive now knowing that I won't have to push through them anymore in order to get the medicine in!

I'm wondering if the nurse coordinator actually knows what she's doing. This wouldn't be the first time she's "mis-spoke" about something. I've had four different calendars because my meds weren't written right on the first ones. (I mean four different versions of the calendar I have now...which says the steroids stopped yesterday and the shots continue until the end of January.) I almost want to email her to make sure. I can't have this pregnancy screwed up because the NC is an idiot. (No seriously, she's a moron. Until three days ago she misspelled my name in every email. How hard is it to spell Jenni? Really? I finally emailed her back and misspelled her name. Instead of Titi, I called her Titty. She hasn't misspelled it since!)

She wrote it in two different emails though, so I would hope that she got it right. Maybe I should keep my mouth shut and count this as a blessing. I'm pregnant and I don't have to do anymore of the horrible progesterone shots!

Either way, I'm soaking in a warm tub tonight! I'm going to do some sort of workout, even if it's just walking the dog a mile or more like I did yesterday, and then I'm going to soak for at least 45 minutes. It's going to be wonderful. Me, some soft music, lavender bubble bath, and a warm tub...yep, I may actually sleep tonight!

Speaking of sleep, I slept pretty well last night. I think because I had walked so far yesterday that I wore myself out a bit. I was asleep by 10pm and slept until 6am when my alarm went off. Then, after the kids got off to school, I fell back asleep until 930. It was great! Maybe I'll sleep again tonight now that my body remembers how good it is!

Today is the day...

Today I go for a second sonogram. They're going to measure the gestational sac, look for a yolk sac/fetal pole and a heartbeat. I'm 6w5d along today so we should be able to see a heartbeat. I was told by the nurse coordinator yesterday that as soon as they know they have a heartbeat, my restrictions will be lifted. I was also told the doctor will write a letter releasing me from his care. I'm not sure where that leaves me with the shots, but let's hope they'll let me stop the shots.

Speaking of shots, last night's shot was horrific! I'm not being melodramatic, I'm being realistic. It was awful and then some. On both hips I have horrible knots. I literally have no where else to shoot myself...so I have to go through the knots. I iced my hip down while heating the oil. When my hip was numb, I cleaned the area with the alcohol and started pushing the needle in. About halfway through it met resistance. I pushed harder and got it in a little further. This was the point that the burning started. With tears welling up in my eyes, and my husband telling me that I'm doing great, I took a deep breath and pushed the needle the rest of the way in. My leg started to hurt and I took several deep breathes trying to relax thinking maybe I was too tense. I pulled the syringe back to be sure I didn't have blood come back. There was no blood so I started pushing the medication in. About halfway through the shot my leg started to spasm. So here I am, laying on my side, twisted around in order to get the right angle with the needle in my bum, my gluteus muscle burning horribly, and now my leg starts having muscle spasms. My husband just starts telling me he's proud of me and that I'm doing great. I keep reminding myself to breath, in and out, in and out. My husband suddenly says "You're done!"

I don't think I've ever pulled a needle out that fast. I swear I could feel the needle scrape every millimeter of flesh on the way out. As soon as the needle was out, I had horrible muscle spasms in my glutes and in my leg. My husband took the cotton swab and started massaging the area. He kept saying that I had a horrible knot there. He tried to rub it out, but I was sobbing so hard he finally stopped. I ended up bleeding after all. Kenny held me for a little bit afterward. It was, by far the worst shot I've ever had to do. Instead of sitting on the heating pad for an hour or two after the shot, I ended up sleeping on it. I didn't move all night. I was so stiff when I woke up this morning.

Speaking of sleeping...I actually slept through the night last night. I think it was because I was just so tired, and cried so hard, that my body just gave up and I slept. This is both a blessing and a curse though. I'm so grateful to have finally slept, but I now I'm even more tired! I feel like I need another 12 hours of sleep! Maybe I'll get a nap today.

I can do it!

Yep, that's what I keep telling myself...

I've learned over the past 6-8 months that I feel better and have more energy when I exercise...even if it's just going for a brisk walk, or jogging up and down the stairs...anything to get my blood flowing and some sweat a movin'. Well, because of the restrictions I'm under, I can't do any of that. I can't lift over 10 pounds, which means I can't even lift weights to give myself a workout. So for the past almost two months, I've been living a sedentary lifestyle. That, in combination with the meds, and I've gained 14 pounds already! (I feel huge!)

I went to Sam's Club today with the family, and we walked around long enough to get all of our shopping done for two weeks and then we stopped to pick up food on our way home. I was and am exhausted. I want to lay down and take a nap! This is not like me at all! I've had so much energy and been doing so well at working out. Now I'm a bum...or at least that's how I feel.

Speaking of bums...

Mine hurts! The past three shots I've given myself haven't gone so well. I don't know what the deal is. I can get the needle in without any issue, but about halfway through the shot, my muscle decides it can't handle anymore progesterone. The muscle starts to burn, and then my hip starts to ache (literally the hip, like near the bone, not the muscle), and last but not least, it starts to ache down my leg. I have two huge bruises, one on each butt cheek. I also have two huge knots that no matter how long I sit on the heating pad and massage them they won't go down. (Again, one on each butt cheek.) My lower back started to ache last night but I think that's because I have to twist into some weird positions in order to get the needle in. If Kenny's hands didn't shake when he gets near the needle, I'd have him start doing the injections. Oh well, this part is almost over!

I've had to work out new solutions for the morning sickness. Just when I think something works, like eating 8+ small meals a day, the little bean decides to throw me a curve ball and make me sick just after I've eaten something...or in the middle of the night. That's been the big thing lately. Waking up 15 times a night to vomit. I've started keeping pretzels and bottled water next to the bed. When I wake up feeling a bit nauseous, I take a swig of water, and eat a few pretzels...wait about three minutes and repeat. That usually works. A couple of nights ago I thought for sure I had the flu or something cause no matter what I did, I couldn't leave the bathroom I was so sick. I find it hilarious though when I think about it. Most women would be just finding out their pregnant. If I were in their shoes, I'd be calling the doctor and asking for the symptoms of swine flu, or setting up an appointment because I had the flu. That would be the time the doctor tells me I don't have the flu and to rest...and after another week when it didn't go away and I hadn't started my period, that would be when I realized that I was pregnant. Luckily I can skip all the extra steps and go straight to the "This kid hates me!" whining.

Either way, I'll deal with the nausea, and the exhaustion and the wishing I could soak in a tub, or work out (or *whispers* have s-e-x) and I'll do it all knowing that someday Joseph (the little bean) will be in his mother's arms where he belongs because of it.