Milestone!

I noticed today that we've hit a milestone! We're down to double digits! According to the little ticker over there <---- I have 99 days left in this pregnancy!

I tell you what. This pregnancy has been hell on me. I don't think I've put on here yet just how bad the hyperemesis is. I haven't wanted to worry a couple of the people who read my blog. Well, it's time I come completely clean. It's time that everyone knows just how bad it is, and what I'm sacrificing.

On an average day, I vomit between 12 and 30 times. I have gotten sick more than that. On the days when I don't get sick I still feel sick. Most days I can keep down water and other fluids. Some days I can keep down solids. Today I'm struggling to keep down liquids. I've had some onion soup broth and some orange juice. I feel so sick! I'm trying so hard not to vomit...but I fear I'm going to lose the fight.

Some days I have trouble standing without getting dehydrated. Other days I do just fine. I'm always tired though. My body aches. I just don't have the strength to keep pushing forward. I'm getting sick and tired of people asking if I'm ok, "how's the barfing", "what's wrong"...seriously people, my life is consumed with trying to keep food down and keep everything on track...I don't need to be reminded of it all. Yesterday I picked up my son from school and (after having slept most of the day away) had enough strength to run to the grocery store. We needed just a couple of things for dinner. Someone I know (an acquaintance) looked at me and says "You like shit. What's wrong with you?" I lost it. I started crying. Then I got mad. I told her that I answer that question every time she sees me. The most recent time being Saturday. I told her that I hadn't kept food down in days and was living off of protein shakes in the hopes that this little one would grow strong...and that I would just survive. I told her I was tired of having do it all alone because no one else actually helped. Well, then asked what I needed. I told her I needed someone to help clean the house, and take the kids to and from school. She tells me that she can't. I started laughing. I told her this was the same thing everyone else said. "What do you need?" I tell them. "Oh, I can't do that." And then I want to ask "Well why the fuck did you ask if you weren't actually going to help me!?!?"

I have a doctor's appointment on Saturday with an OB that is going to give me better solutions for this situation I've gotten myself into. (Yes, I say I got myself into this. I chose to do another surrogacy. I chose to put myself at risk, thinking like so many women do, that pregnancy isn't anything serious. Most of the time it's not.) I've been told the chances are very high that he's going to put a PICC line in and give me a Zofran pump which will give me a continuous dose of Zofran. I'll also be taught how to keep fluids going so I'm not dehydrated. Hopefully this will at least keep me going until the end of the pregnancy.

For those who don't know, a PICC line is (basically put) a long term IV that is placed in a large vein. It'll stay in for the duration of the pregnancy. My biggest fear is that by going to the OB and having myself taken care of, I won't get the birth I want. That I'll be forced to deliver in a hospital. At this point, I don't care though. I need help...physically, mentally, emotionally. I just need some relief.

I hold on to the hope though that we're under 100 days and we've only got double digits left...well, that and the fact that as I write this little Michael has horrible hiccups and is also punching my bladder. He's a strong little bugger!